Tag Archives: daily life

PBS must really hate kids

As I rang in 2016 listening to the dulcet tones of my husband snoring on the couch next to me and Carrie Mathieson saved America on Netflix yet again, little did I know that life as I knew it was about to end. I logged out of Netflix not knowing that the following day, the first day of 2017 (That beacon of hope! That clean slate!), would dawn with doom and gloom on the horizon.

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By the end of each day my house looks like a tornado has passed through it. I’m pregnant and tired, sick of asking the four year old to pick up his toys, and just done with the day. Cleaning and tidying are for the morning, before I’ve been asked a dozen times for candy for breakfast (and called the meanest mom in the world at least a dozen times for denying the request), before I’ve caved and given my kid Cheetos for breakfast (because cheese is full of calcium and is therefore healthy), before life has generally beaten me down for the day. The day still holds a lot of hope at 5am, so that’s the best time for tidying. After coffee, of course. But sometimes the house is just so destroyed that I’m still cleaning when Hurricane H emerges from his room, and I count on Netflix for entertainment while I finish up. On the days when I haven’t even started yet I count on Netflix to allow me to enjoy at least one beverage while its still hot.

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And so, on the first day of 2017 I turned to Netflix to save my morning (and let’s face it, that morning was going to set the tone for my year – I had a lot riding on that morning). “Mom, put on Neckflix while I eat my cheesies,” H requested. I obliged with , “What would you like to watch?”

“Curious George.”

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The books are so much better, anyway

All 9 seasons of Curious George had been on Netflix as of Dec 31st, 2016. On Jan 1st, 2017, every episode vanished. It’s usually right there at the top of the screen, under suggested shows, recently watched, continue watching… I scrolled through each list, panic mounting. I finally searched ‘Curious George’, staring at the screen in horror as ‘Titles related to Curious George’ popped up – the equivalent of a Netflix death sentence. A quick Google search revealed that PBS has signed an exclusive deal with Hulu this year and pulled all programming from Netflix. This means that our backup show, Caillou (which most parents hate but I have grown to love because, whiny bald bastard aside, HOT COFFEE), is also gone.

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I’m sure all you other non-Pinteresty, average moms feel my pain too. My kid is acting like the world has ended and after many tears is now reluctantly lost in a Mighty Machines YouTube loop of despair. I fear he may never find his way out.

MY COFFEE IS COLD.

PBS:

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Bonus – further proof that PBS hates kids:

Bonus The 2nd – I confess that by ‘clean the house’ I really just mean ‘clean the kitchen’. The rest of the house I’ll get to when I get to it… I blame PBS.

The War of 2012

Two hundred years after the War of 1812 another equally important war was declared. The War of 2012 is a little known war that recently took place in small town sort-of-Southern-feels-like-uninhabited-wilderness-compared-to-the-great-city-of-Toronto-and-surrounding-area Ontario.

Closest neighbour

A woman and a man unwittingly conceived a giant fetus of the male variety in February. In preparation for his arrival the woman (with permission from the man, although he denies it to this day) acquired a giant puppy dog from a farm. She figured the pup would keep her company during the long days when the man was at work, and teach her to deal with all of the pleasant things that come with child-rearing, such as potty accidents, projectile vomiting, constant whining and separation anxiety.

How?… just… HOW!?

Of course, something else that happens to new parents (and all parents I’m sure) is that they develop a whole new set of child-related worries. This pair worried about very different things. She worried about things like car accidents and second and third-hand smoke. He worried that the puppy was going to eat the baby.

The woman liked it when the puppy slept at the foot of their bed. It gave her a sense of comfort. Mostly the comfort that she would not awaken to a kennel full of dog poop or vomit. Since she wasn’t sleeping much in those days, due to being mauled from the inside by the giant fetus, she could hear if the puppy was getting ill in the night and everyone knows that it’s much easier to deal with as it’s happening, not hours after the fact. The man was convinced that if the the dog were allowed to sleep in their room, she would pounce on the baby in the night and eat him.

As much as the woman liked to make fun of this, she acknowledged that it is probably better not to have the dog sleep in the same room as the baby, because even though she is more like a fluffy bunny than a mountain lion, you do never know. She wouldn’t eat the baby, but she may jump up on the bed randomly some night (although she doesn’t do this now) and accidentally maul one or all of the family members in her quest for love and nighttime cuddles.

In reality, he’s probably actually worried about the dog depositing drool in his gaping snore trap

This brings the tale to the present. The last two nights the woman has conceded (basically, she lost the war… le sigh) and allowed the man to lock the dog in her kennel for the night. The first night was uneventful, although the woman caved and let the dog out of the kennel at 4am so that she could have company in her insomniatic (<- apparently this is not a word) state. Last night she did plead with him to allow the fur monster to once more share their room, but he remained cold and unmoved. She cried, tore at her hair, tore at his hair and beat her hands relentlessly on his chest. Actually, she just tried to put on her best sad eyes and pouty lips, but it didn’t work. The man asked, “What if the giant fetus is allergic to dogs?”, and pointed out that the woman had already violated the one rule they’d made about keeping the dog out of the soon-to-be baby’s room. How the hizzle did he know that the dog had been helping her set up the crib by attempting to eat their unborn son’s first teddy bear (it bears repeating here that although the dog did grab the teddy by the face, she has never ever ever bitten a human being)?

The dog does not eat babies. She does, however, eat the man’s socks and leaves a trail of them wherever she goes.

Knowing that she could not win, the woman let the man lock the dog in her kennel again. They fell asleep entangled in a lover’s embrace. BAHAHAH. That did not happen. He fell asleep and she then pried the remote out of his hands. He rolled over and began to snore as she watched the excitement that is the Jeopardy Teen Tournament and felt proud of herself for knowing more than 75% of the answers. Next thing she knew it was 2am and the puppy was whining… at the foot of their bed. The woman felt very spooked because she had watched the man lock the kennel. Had she sleepwalked and released her? Had someone broken into the house, stole nothing and released the dog? Was there a puppy freeing ghost lurking in the shadows? Had the dog grown opposable thumbs? Or maybe opposable thumbs are just overrated and the dog is a genius…

Opposable thumbs? Hacker Dog doesn’t need opposable thumbs. Fools.

The woman blearily stumbled down the stairs, dog in tow, and locked her back in the kennel. She then returned to bed and lay awake feeling spooked for about an hour, wondering if the ghost of some crazed anti-kennel training PETA activist was plotting to attack once she’d fallen asleep once more.

The War of 2012 will go down in the history books as being won by the man. The woman will likely have this rubbed in her face from now until death parts them. The baby will likely be told the tale ad nauseam by his father. The woman, however, will always remember the night that the dog escaped her confines and will know that the real winner of this war was the dog, opposable thumbs be damned.

-FIN-

Customers vs. Employees: Can’t we just all get along?

Brought to you by:  Fish Out of Water, Nicolas Cage, Kitties and procrastination.

This post is inspired by the latest post by Fish Out of Water over at Sincerely, Slapdash (click to read) which got me thinking about my days working retail. Yes, I agree with the assessment of rude retail workers. There are many. However, reading about rude retail workers also incited some rage against the customer in me, left over from those good ol’ days. You see, I was one of those friendly retail workers (which is saying a lot for someone as shy as me). I’ve been told many times by friends that I’m a totally different person when I work customer service. I loved joking around with people. I once sold a membership card to someone by telling him that he was ruining my life and I was going to cry if he didn’t buy it. Obviously I was kidding, but hey, it worked.

I’ve had customers that were so rude that the fake smile came right off my face despite the fact that I’d drawn it on with permanent marker.

So here’s a tip that both customers and employees can follow: TREAT OTHERS AS YOU WISH TO BE TREATED!

Oh, I’m sorry. Did I sound like your mother for a second there? Please remember that there are human beings standing on either side of the desk. Well, most of the time. Other times you might be serving Nicolas Cage.

As pointed out in the Slapdash post, it is rude to chew gum/avoid eye contact/not smile/speak in a foreign language to your co-workers while ringing through a transaction. Actually, most retail establishments have rules about all of these things and if none of the employees abide by them, its more a sign of poor management than anything else. Ever heard the saying “Happy wife, happy life”? Same goes here. When you spend more time at work than at home with family, if conditions are poor then attitudes are bound to be as well. Let me tell you, I’ve had my fair share of monster mangers (I don’t use the word ‘hate’ lightly, and I hated these people). That being said, there are some pretty rude behaviours on the part of customers that come up quite frequently, so without further adieu, here is my list of atrocities committed against me by the general public while on the job:

1. Hang up your damn cell phone, or at least put the person on hold.

As a cashier I longed for a sign like this… but NOPE! The geniuses at corporate thought it was too rude to have a sign telling customers to “Line up here” (which resulted in all sorts of chaos, customer infighting, and name calling… the cash desk at this particular job was rectangular for heaven’s sake!), so you can imagine what they might have thought if we’d written and posted something like this. These are the same lovely corporate geniuses that think it’s too unfriendly to put mirrors up in blind corners to deter theft, and then wonder why losses keep mounting… um… DUH.

But I digress. The absolute worst is when you have a customer on a cell phone that doesn’t acknowledge your existence, throws the purchase down and hands you a $20 bill for a $50 purchase. You try to get their attention to point out their error, but they are far too engrossed in conversation, so finally you give up and just  stand there. After a few minutes go by, the customer finally says into the phone, “Hun, could you excuse me for a second? The idiot cashier is taking 2 hours to ring through my one item purchase” and then turns to you, “What the hell is taking so long!?” They don’t even apologize when you politely point out their error and the fact that you’ve been desperately trying to get their attention for the last five minutes at least. What planet are you on!?

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2. If you think that someone who gets paid $10/hr (if they’re lucky), is obligated to approach every single customer they see in order to ask if they need help and has to disappear to clean human feces from cubicle walls every 30 minutes, is a suitable baby-sitter then by all means, leave your child unattended. But I must warn you:

Yes, I will chase your child and its new kitten when he or she runs out into the mall and risk my job all because that cellphone call or Anya’s botched nose job are more important than, you know, making sure your offspring are safe… but I will hate you for every second of it. Oh, and I may call Children’s Aid.

3. Yes, I do realize that you are very busy and important, and that I (with my 6 years of higher education, struggling to find gainful employment in this shit economy) am vastly inferior since I merely ring through books at a cash desk, or make your coffee all day; however, I did not wake up this morning trying to ruin your life. I am not your wife, mother, shitty boss, boyfriend, or a-hole co-worker, so whatever happened to you during your day, please, do not take it out on me. I just work here. I did not put milk in your espresso macchiato (which you would know if you’d just feel the weight of the cup instead of shrieking at top volume that you SAW ME COMMIT THE TERRIBLE CRIME). I did not put the restrictions on that coupon you have that expired 5 years ago. I also am not responsible for the difference between American and Canadian pricing and I don’t have time to give you a lesson in economics… besides, who am I to teach you anything? I must be stupid and uneducated. I work retail. Duh. I forgot. But seriously, there’s only so much I can take while trying to keep this smile on my face!

4. If my computer breaks down you may only offer “helpful” advice if you are being kind and understanding. If you’re going to treat me like an idiot, even though I stand here for 40 hours per week and have to deal with this on a daily basis, just walk away. I’d rather lose your business. Yes, I have to call the help desk and no, I can’t just press ctrl+alt+del. But if I could I’d ctrl+alt+del your face. True story.

It’s too bad I’m not working retail right now. I probably wouldn’t even try to suck it up and be nice to the rude people. I’m too pregnant and that is just too hard. Nah, I’d probably just blast laser beams at them from my eyes, roar, and then use them to curb my insatiable preggosaurus appetite.

Okay. Enough of this 1,000+ word rant. I wanted this to be funny but I think it may be too soon and the bitterness is seeping through. But maybe you enjoyed the kitties? Stay tuned for a future post about horrible bosses and why they made me want to flee the country/gouge my eyes out/go postal and then flee the country… or something less dramatic like walking out on the job while remembering that there is much more to life than retail (which is what actually happened).